


Your Parents Accidently Sell You to Soda Kazuichi

by Calicornia



Category: Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-23
Updated: 2019-02-18
Packaged: 2019-10-14 22:49:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17517293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calicornia/pseuds/Calicornia
Summary: A mix up on your birth certificate legally classifies you as an inline-four engine.





	1. Chapter 1

"What the fuck?"

Those were the words that rang in your head before you even woke up, the same ones that were quickly drowned out by the sensation of cardboard pressing tightly against your body. Your eyes jut themselves open to the sight of a broken man's sad visage.

"This isn't the inline-four engine I ordered!" The man whined, a metallic sound of something hitting the ground, "GOD Dammit!"

You sat up and looked around, It looked like any other room you'd seen before: The bed was unmade and messy, the walls were adorned with posters of indie bands, a figure of Rosalina from Mario was lying in the corner with what hopefully wasn't cum adorned on her breasts. The man from before lay against the ground, defeated.

"Um..." You said as you attempted to exit the box, deciding not to the second your eyes realized that a dirty sock lie in your way, "Who are you?"

"I guess my mail order bride did come in! My name is Soda Kazuichi and I wouldn't recommend leaving that box until I've hid the poop sock!" A hand was held out for you to shake. It wasn't yours. You took it though.

"UNTIL YOU'VE HID THE WHAT NOW!?" An older male voice shouted, causing Diet Coke to lock the door.

"Okay so maybe they mislabeled my Amazon packages!" Soda smiled. It wasn't his. "This one says you're my inline-four but inside you're just in line for my bed!"

Nobody laughed.

"A-anyways!" Dr. Pepper attempted to change the subject, "They sent this manual with you o-on how to install you but I don't need it! Because I'm literally the best mechanic in the world! Me! This 23 year old man who jacks off to Rosalina from Mario!"

You read the manual, which just so happened to be your birth certificate.

"Um..." You turned the certificate towards him.

"Oh NO!" Soda yelled, another wrench fell out of his pocket. "I guess my mail order bride was a FAIL order bride, huh!?"

Nobody laughed.

"Anyways, wanna see what my engine was gonna be for?" Sprite winked at you, his epic gamer swag making you fall instantly in love with him.

He broke the both of you out of his window and into his front yard, where he broke into his own garage.

The sight you saw was marvelous: A large purple truck with massive wheels, the bumper had a large black adornment hanging off of it. A sticker that said "THE RENOVATOR" was plastered on the front windshield.

"Ever since Guy Sensei created the Coochie Dungeon, I've been pretty alone." Soda walked up to the car and dragged his finger across the hood, "Ms Sonia hasn't given me her three seconds of attention in months."

You stood there dumbfounded, the fuck is a Coochie Dungeon?

"That's where this car was supposed to come in." Soda sighed, staring at you with friendly contempt, "It was going to help me create a pipeline to the Artificial Coochie Dungeon, because I can't seem to get any real coochie myself."

You stood there, seeing the reflection of your tall lanky body in the bumper. Your purple hat with the upside-down L blended in with the coat of paint covering the Thanos Car.

"Guess I'll be the engine myself." Soda said with a voice. It wasn't his.


	2. Chapter 2

You woke up in the front seat of the Thanos Car, your hands clasping the wheel tightly. The automotive was rolling along the highway, carrying Lightning McQueen in it's pouch.

"DON'T WORRY Y/N!" A strange but familiar voice echoed from your engine, "THIS CAR IS SELF DRIVING!"

"Self... Driving?" You removed your hands from the wheel, Jesus didn't need to take it because he already had it.

"IT'S MY STAND, [TWO TRUCKS]!" The car merged into a lane right behind an inconspicuous SUV. "AS LONG AS TWO CARS ARE NEAR EACH OTHER, I CAN CONTROL THEM WITH MY MIND. THE SUV IN FRONT OF US CONTAINS GUY SENSEI'S NEW SHIPMENT OF COOCHIE."

The car started to speed up, tailgating the SUV. You knew that Kazuichi was going to stop at nothing to get that coochie.

"Get fucked." A voice echoed from the sky. Before you could react, two hands gripped the car containing you and your epic gamer mechanic boyfriend. With a mighty thrust, you were tossed into a place that could only be described as a dimension without time, space, or coochie.

The Nth dimension.

The Thanos car rubbed against what appeared to be an empty bus.

"Shit." Soda said as he maneuvered the Thanos Car's grab function on the bus, "Gotta take this back to the car dealership real quick. Mission failed... Now Miss Sonia will never give me coochie."

With a sharp u-turn, you and your epic gamer mechanic boyfriend were inside of a car dealership. A bright red 2004 honda accord caught your eye, but your eye was quickly caught again by Soda using the force to place the bus down.

"Hey, Y/N, c-can you go pick out a new car?" Soda smiled at you, "The Coochie Dungeon will expect the Thanos car, but not any other car."

You immediately knew what you wanted, that bright red 2004 honda accord. You placed your hand on it, admiring it's beauty.

"VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!" A loud noise erupted from the car dealership, the Thanos car dashed at a pair who were approaching you.

"YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY GIRLFRIEND!" Soda shouted as he activated [TWO TRUCKS], the Thanos car missed the pair by a hair.

One of the two dashed towards the bus, completely abandoning the woman he was with. With a few click click vrooms, the bus fuckin' u-ied into the Nth Dimension.

"Shit!" Kazuichi jumped into the Thanos Car, "He's going to get the Coochie Denizens!" With a click click vroom, Soda left you alone at the car dealership.

In the distance, you saw your arch nemesis in her green hat and overalls be comforted by a pink zombie in a chicken costume.

You walked over to her, your rage building.

"Well, well well." You said, "If it isn't genderbent Luigi."

"Nice-a to see you again." The woman said, "Genderbent Waluigi."


	3. Chapter 3

When you awoke, you were back in the garage where the Thanos Car once was. Neither Soda nor the Thanos Car were there, but a tall man wearing a top hat stood before you. In his hands were two objects: a spatula and a gay spatula.

"Which will you choose?" Asked the tall man, his beard glimmering in the soft light from the dying light bulb that lit the garage.

"Are you Kazuichi's father?" You ask, your eyes glancing around the room to make sure you were the only one in the room besides this tall man.

"This spatula will be key to saving Christmas from the Coochie Dungeon" The tall man sighed, his demeanor becoming of the impatient variety.

You were completely dumbfounded, again, what the fuck is the Coochie Dungeon? All in all, you chose the gay spatula.

"Good choice." The man nodded, "I, Abraham Lincoln, cannot be caught dead with a gay spatula. Especially not after I was caught buying illegal spaghetti from gay Italian teenagers."

* * *

"Soda... Kazucchini.." Shigaraki brooded from his artificial coochie throne, his coochie throne of lies, his plans to capture the shipment of coochie: thwarted once again. The artificial coochie machines whirred loudly, the only thing keeping them going was Hannah Montana music.

Soda fidgeted with his spinner, not knowing what to say. The only thing that was on his mind was how much sugar you want in your latte.

"One time I wiped my ass and it was purple, so I know exactly how you feel Kazuichi." Santa Claus took a swig of his vegan almond milk that he bought from Whole Foods.

"Sorry guys." Soda wiped the tears from his face. The amount of sugar you want in your latte would have to wait. "We'll get 'em next time."

Suddenly, you burst in holding your gay spatula.

"Genderbent Waluigi!" Shigaraki shouted, "Here to give me my zucchini!"

You were prepared not only to get the Artificial Coochie Dungeon a zucchini, but the best zucchini there was.

Between you, Shigarki, Soda, and Santa Claus: You all had the strength of ten steroid pumped dalmatians.


End file.
